Home > From Within The Chrysalis... > To be or not to be…committed?

To be or not to be…committed?

I am not a woman who embraces commitment very well…not even in the least bit. As a matter of fact, I have a terrible habit of running as fast and fighting as hard as I can when commitment comes into the room. It frightens me and always leaves me thinking that I am going to lose my hold on myself…essentially losing my freedom. And I just cannot have that.

However, I am learning that sometimes, being “committed” to people, things, situations, places, etc. is what we need to do sometimes in order to help ourselves further grow. I have made a choice recently to be more active about checking up on my loved ones, although it kinda irks me to try and stay on top of it all. Not because I don’t want to hang out with my loved ones — I am just not a fan of feeling like I have to schedule so much or even be possibly obligated.

But that is not what this post is really about. This post is about a tall, skinny, intelligent young man. A young man who I feel safe and comfortable with when I talk to or hang out with him. However, when I am not near him (which is the majority of time), I don’t feel safe nor comfortable. Instead, I feel ridiculously vulnerable, confused and just plain bleh. I don’t know what to do with him…honestly, I don’t. 

What if he is just using me as some chick he can lure to come and hook up with him, one of a merry-go-round of chicks that he has in his Rolodex? What if he is just hoping to have some companionship and I just happen to be the woman he is looking to as a target right now? I mean, we can’t have a substantial relationship due to our current circumstances, geographically and otherwise. Which leaves me wondering where the hell anything could ever get with him!

Or maybe I am just overreacting? Maybe I am just freaking out and wondering all of these ideas about him because I have nothing rooted down to tell me that he actually wants me. Well besides the fact that he told me that it would be really cool if we could be a couple. But to me, that may just be him doing his wishful thinking out loud, right? 

Maybe I should just visit him and treat him as just a hook up and not give a damn about any actual conversation or eye gazing? If I let myself really engage in any of those latter actitivites, will I just end up with my heart ripped out and having my crazy chick come out like the freaking Incredible Hulk?

Who knows? Who knows anything? I sure as hell don’t…but I guess that is the whole point of committing yourself to life, right? You commit yourself to life and all of its possibilities, good and bad, and still hope for the best. Still carry on and hopefully grow and stretch. At last, I hope I am right on this stuff. Otherwise, I am completely screwed.  


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